


Creating the Universe

by LadyBee



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Meditation, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-12 12:04:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5665447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBee/pseuds/LadyBee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>”Rey…” The name rolled in his tongue, out of his mouth in a whisper. Warmth that Kylo Ren could not reason with simply grew inside his core, like the creation of a new universe within himself.<br/>He could not understand her power, although he was quite familiar with the Force. It was probably something else, something foreign to him about the way her innocence and determination that made Rey so strong and fearsome in the Light Side. Maybe it was their mental connection what have made him so weak near her and what have made him gravitate around her, never being truly able to break their bond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when aunt Bee reads too much about Star Wars, Hinduism and Tantra…By all means I don’t wish to be disrespectful to anyone’s culture. This is just fanfic and I tend to find inspiration in the most unexpected places. Rated M for Master Luke would be mortified and Mature reasons.

That face kept coming back to his mind. It was so clear, so irrevocably present inside his head that he could not possibly escape the sight of it. The face of a girl, staring at him with a myriad of feelings and impulses inside her dark eyes. 

He had felt her presence several times even from a distance while she was hiding somewhere in the galaxy, like a distant lighthouse. The Force in her, always shining, calling, demanding, connecting with every living being in the universe, including himself. The pull was undeniable, magnetic even. It was the direct opposite of his own chaotic and violent nature and yet so fulfilling in a way that was hard to put up in words. 

Meditation was a very usual practice for both the Sith and the Jedi. Naturally the Knights of Ren had incorporated such rituals and Kylo Ren found them to be extremely trying. First because it required a certain state of self-consciousness and focus that was hard to obtain. It was also almost impossible to clean the mind of all thoughts that weren’t useful to the moment. He got so easily distracted with so many things that his head usually felt like a massive crowd screaming all at once, urging his most violent impulses and demanding action, not quietness. 

Skywalker had never being able to teach him properly in such dull arts and Snoke have had no more success than his previous master in this. Still, that was a crucial step and therefore he kept trying to master it. 

The image of his grandfather’s mask came to his mind as he stood in lotus position, trying to reach for his state of self-absorption. Kylo Ren tried once more to concentrate in the Force, circling and pulsing all around him. He tried to connect with his most dark feelings and allow the Force to guide him and bath him in the solid power of the Dark Side. 

The disgust for his dead father and the impulse to put an end to Solo’s life. The rage, the deceptions, the frustrations that had conducted the young Ben Solo into the dark side suddenly very clear in his mind and heart. The face of his mother looking at him with cold and adamant resolution, sending him, her own child away to have the darkness whipped out of him by an uncle he barely knew because General Leia Organa was too afraid of embracing the Force herself and could not tolerate the idea of her son being just too much like her father. 

It had felt scary and lonely back then. The rage and indignation he felt soon proved to be the greatest obstacle to the light to set within him and slowly rebellion and the desire took him. 

Desire; the antithesis of the unconditional love the Jedi’s named compassion. 

Desire for power, for vengeance, for acceptance, for legacy, structure, control…The ultimate need to prove himself to be better, stronger than Darth Vader had been. It took him years to solidify this notion within his soul and embrace the Dark Side fully. He believed to be ready and worthy of his title of Master of the Knights of Ren. 

The faces of all the ones responsible for his choice of path crossed his mind with vertiginous speed until stop in his mother’s regal face. He tried to ignore it, but not even Kylo Ren could deny that deep down…Deep down Ben Solo yearned for a bit of her approval and pride. She should have been his master after all. 

Slowly the face changed. Still a female, only younger. Hair tightly tamed and skin slightly golden given the effects of the sun. A bit masculine in some ways; a bit childish in others; nothing of his mother’s royal dignity and yet her presence was no less then demanding. 

His convictions trembled once more at the pull her undeniable presence. The Force, although dormant until their meeting, seemed to flow freely inside and all around her. Whenever that girl appeared in his mind it was just like the day they had fought in the snow. Fierce determination in her eyes, purity yet unknown to him, a firm conviction in what she thought to be right as she used Skywalker’s saber against him. 

She had fought him and she had won. His life had been in her hands and yet Kylo Ren was still alive by the choice of a child…No. By the choice of a woman bathed in blinding light. 

A woman whose existence imposed him the reevaluation of his own believes and morals and shattered his convictions to the point of bringing him to regret killing Han Solo. To the point of tempting him with her light. 

”Rey…” The name rolled in his tongue, out of his mouth in a whisper. Warmth that Kylo Ren could not reason with simply grew inside his core, like the creation of a new universe within himself. 

He could not understand her power, although he was quite familiar with the Force. It was probably something else, something foreign to him about the way her innocence and determination that made Rey so strong and fearsome in the Light Side. Maybe it was their mental connection what have made him so weak near her and what have made him gravitate around her, never being truly able to break their bond. 

From a distance he heard steps. His mind could picture the delicate and slender figure walking across the golden field where he was trying so hard to meditate. 

Kylo Ren felt no danger in the presence of his guest aside from the natural temptation. She stood in front of him, waiting for her nemesis to open his eyes. There was fear, but there was also curiosity and something intriguing her, something guided by a Jedi’s compassion and the feeling was just insulting to him. 

Kylo Ren opened his eyes to look at her. The sun setting in the horizon of that golden field, in a planet at the edge of the system; far from the First Order, the Resistance, far from Skywalker and Snoke’s eyes. 

“What do you want?” She asked. No…She demanded. “You have called for me. You have distracted me in my training and meditations. What do you want?” 

What indeed? No answer came to his mind. He was confused since their duel. His convictions were getting weak. His mind in constant chaos and the only thing able to soothe him, to canalize his power was the image of her face despite the fact that Rey had been the one to make him question his beliefs and even…Even repent of his sins. 

“I don’t know.” It was overwhelming to be in her presence again. The Force in her reverberating with the Force in him. The flow of energy surrounding everything around them and Kylo Ren could feel it fully for the first time since he abandoned Skywalker’s training. The pull of the light so strong that he almost choke in his regrets and guilty. 

Something inside him broke violently leaving Kylo Ren desolated at her feet. 

“I need you.” The words came out of his mouth, cutting through his heart. 

There was no desire in him. Nothing carnal, visceral or corrupt. It was an urge for completion and fulfillment. A necessity for forgiveness and acceptance. A desperate compulsion to touch her and bath in her light until he felt whole again. 

He kneeled and bowed before her, touching her feet with his hands. He hasn’t noticed until that moment that he was crying. No…Not Kylo, the Master of the Knights of Ren. It was the boy crying. The rejected and frustrated boy called Ben Solo. The boy whose single desire was to make a worthy heir to his mother and grandfather. 

“Oh just get up.” She said in an annoyed tone, but not a harsh one. Rey lowered to his level and helped him back to his feet with a gentleness that Ren wasn’t used to. 

“I don’t know what is happening with me.” He confessed as she looked inside his eyes with so much joviality that was almost impossible for him to not feel old in her presence. “Why? Why you make me so weak?” 

“Why do you resist it so much?” Rey gave him only another question with no answer. “I can feel it too. I was afraid before…When Maz Kanata told me about the Force, about the saber, about what I am and who I am.” 

“I know the Force. I chose my path. I know my convictions!” He fought it inside his head. Her light was just too much for him. “I am my grandfather’s heir!” 

“Your grandfather died a Jedi.” She said firmly. “He embraced the light by giving his own life to save Master Skywalker. If you must prove yourself to be his heir than let it go! Let the Light flow through your body again. Embrace it!” 

“I can’t.” He said simply. “I can’t give up what I feel. I can’t deny this necessity in me to become a Jedi.” 

“What necessity?” 

“You.” He whispered. “Like my grandfather before me, I’m doomed to the Dark Side because I dared to desire something that was never meant for me. In the Light, in the ways of the Jedi, I would never be allowed to have such a feeling. I would rather be your nemesis than give up this desire for you.” 

It came out of him like a confession. Something he had been resisting but was just as uncontrollable as the compulsion he felt to embrace the light once more. Rey was his first thought in the morning, his last thought in the night. The deep blue sea he had seen in her mind, drowning him. 

She took his hand carefully and the touch was powerful enough for him to feel the universe within him expanding. Rey placed his hand in her cheek so he could feel her for the first time pulsing with life. 

“Let go of the desire.” She said calmly while looking into his eyes. “Let it be something else, Ben.” 

“What?” His voice was weak. 

“Let it be love, untamed and selfless.” She answered with gentle and profound wisdom. 

His hands held her face close to his so he could smell her scent. Something fresh like leaves and flowers in bloom. He caressed her face before gently loose her hair. 

“Guide me.” He asked humbly and Rey nod. 

It was her turn to touch his face and lightly kiss his cheeks. Her fingers draw the line of his neck, making Ren shiver under her touch before she could undo the buttons and unbuckle his belt. Rey placed her hand at the center of his chest and her light nested there, fulfilling him with everything that’s whole and pure. He felt free from doubts, rage and guilty for once. He was Ben Solo again. 

With care and reverence Ben took away her tunic and other layers of her training garment. Slowly exposing her delicate and undeniably strong figure. The sun had died in the horizon and they were both naked from waist up in an endless field of gold. No words between them, only the Force. 

His hand rested between her breasts so he could feel her heart beating just like his. He kissed her cheek and then her ear. His tongue teasing her earlobe, making Rey sight just a bit. He kissed her neck as his hand fall to the small of her back gently, bringing her closer. There was reverence and adoration in the way Ben touched her, but also a need for fulfillment. He kissed her shoulder and traced invisible patterns in her exposed back. 

Eventually Rey touched him back. Her hands lost in his hair. Her nails scratching his shoulders as he sucked her neck with an open mouthed kiss, making her moan. His fingers took care of undoing the knots of her trousers and getting free of the rest of her clothes, only to leave Rey fully exposed to his adoration. His bloody hands dared to touch every inch of her skin for Ben could not neglect the little sounds of approval that she made whenever he did it. 

Ben took her hard nipple into his mouth, licking and sucking it gently. Every sound she made was music as he held her by the waist, feeling their bodies molding to each other. In another time, in another life, his anxiety would have taken all she had to offer with brutality and hushed desire. Now…He was at peace with his own need. He wanted a life time to touch, taste and tease every single inch of skin in her body. Time and space forgotten in that temple their caresses had built under the stars. 

He kissed her between her breasts and then he knelled before her to kiss her belly, taking time to circle her bellybutton with the tip of his tongue as her hands caressed the top of his head. He could feel the Force fulfilling him at every touch and every sound Rey made and it felt like delight and ecstasy. 

Rey brought him back to his feet and claimed his mouth with a kiss that felt like drinking water for after days lost at the desert. His arms wrapped around her waist, bringing her to a proper level as her legs enlaced his hips. 

It was light what came out of her mouth into his body. A warm, kind feeling of joy that made him feel alive and renewed. 

“Tell me what to do.” He bagged in a whisper close to her ear as Rey kissed his neck and licked his earlobe sensuously. 

“Breathe.” She answered. “Feel it. Don’t try to control things around you.” 

“I don’t want to.” He said it against her lips. 

“Touch me.” She urged him. 

He laid her on the floor carefully, taking his time to delight at the sight of her nakedness. Rey closed her eyes and spread her arms wide open. Her small breasts swaying gently as she breathed. His long and elegant fingers brushed over her skin, touching her arms, breasts, the sweet peaks of her nipples, her belly, her legs and tights. 

“Free yourself of everything material now.” She said it with a light smile playing on her lips. Slowly he understood what she has meant by material. 

Ben finally undressed himself completely and looked at Rey, with her open arms calling to him. Rey embraced him as Ben claimed her mouth with his own. 

Their bodies finally feeling each other completely as arms and legs moved in a primitive dance. Planet and satellite, one moving in reason of the other. Ben finally summoned the courage to touch her between her legs, exploring her moisture folds with the delicacy of someone who touches a delicate flower. Rey moaned and asked for more as her body arched under his own. 

“Look at me.” Ben asked and she opened her eyes as he pleasured her with his fingers. He could see the whole universe expanding within those orbs. 

It was her turn to touch him intimately. Ben resisted the need to close his eyes as her fingers felt him hard and ready, stroking him gently. Rey pressed her free hand at the center of his chest, pushing him back so he could sit on the floor. 

He sat on lotus position waiting for her to decide what to do next. Rey straddled him sitting with her legs wrapped around his midsection. She was the one to guide him within her as their mouths kissed and their arms embraced. 

Her hips moving gently against his. Ben held her by her hair tightly as he kissed her with hunger unknown. Rey seemed to drag him to the very core of her with every move. The universe, the galaxy, the system, the planet, the field…Everything had been destroyed, converted in to infinity as they stood at the center of this emptiness. 

For the first time in forever he felt selfless and whole. She made him feel complete. The chaos in his mind finally silenced by the sound of her sweet pleas and moans as Rey rocked her hips. 

Ben could no longer feel the pull of the Light, nor the Dark Side dragging him to his rage. There were no sides to be picked. There was no duality for they were one within his body. There was no Kylo Ren, no Ben Solo, no Rey, no gender, only unity, only their personal microcosms, the universe created within them. 

This new overwhelming sensation built inside him. Pleasure immeasurable, fulfillment beyond understanding and…Love untamed…Just like she had promised. Rey was a good teacher after all and for once he touched her mind with his own and there was no loneliness inside her. There was no resistance and no guilty. Minds and bodies connected, united in the Force under the sky full of stars. 

They reached ultimate pleasure together in long lasting sections of waves washing their bodies with spasms. They lay on the floor once more, still holding to each other and exchanging kisses and gentle caresses. 

“A Jedi is not allowed to feel this way.” He whispered as his fingers caressed her belly. “A Sith is not allowed to feel this.” 

“Thank goodness we are neither of them.” She answered. “I have no interest in being a Jedi, in embracing their ways and religion.” 

“Why training with Skywalker then?” He asked out of pure curiosity. 

“It’s good to learn how to defend yourself. Besides, the Force exists. It’s all around and within us. I should be able to feel, understand and use it, which does not mean that I have to pick the Jedi lifestyle.” 

“Luke will be furious.” Ben muffled a light laugh. 

“What about Snoke?” 

“I can’t go back now. I haven’t been of much use since…Since we meat, I guess. He will come after me and I shall walk the sky now, I guess.” She laughed lightly at the little joke. “I have no place to go.” 

“Why don’t you come home with me?” She asked gently. “I’m sure General Organa will accept you with open arms.” 

“I doubt my mother would ever be so gracious about my sins. I can barely believe that you don’t loathe me after what I did.” 

“Forgiveness is part of the training. Repentance too. Master Luke had learned it in the hard way. We shouldn’t take shortcuts.” 

“I’m afraid, beloved.” He finally confessed. “I’m afraid of losing you and this is dangerous.” 

“Don’t be afraid.” She kissed his forehead. “You are better than your grandfather. Don’t make the same mistake. If you must, make new ones.” 

“I will never be able to reject the Dark Side as you do. I hope you know that.” 

“Why do you say this?” 

“Because with time I might get obsessed again, possessive even. If you stay so close I might hurt you and I don’t want to do this.” He caressed her face gently. 

“I know how to defend myself, thank you very much.” 

It was his turn to kiss her forehead. 

“I love you.” He whispered in the night. 

“I know.” She answered while holding him tightly. 

Somewhere in the other side Ben could hear his father laughing at him along with his grandfather given the greatest irony of all times. For the first time the idea of being laughed at by such important figures in his life didn’t make him angry. If anything, he could only laugh too. 


	2. Chapter 2

It was a foolish course of action, but Rey have made him see the obvious. Fight her was useless when he could barely stand the idea of seeing her harmed. Compassion, unconditional love, the keystone of the Jedi Order...It seemed that Master Luke’s classes finally set root within him after so many years and so many sins committed. 

It annoyed him more often than not to find himself helpless. He had nothing in the end. No home, no mission, no conviction and no path to follow. Rey embraced the Light Side naturally, almost effortlessly, while Ben Solo had gone through exhaustive studies and training to understand the duality and why it was so easy to give in to the Dark Side. 

His temper was a risky factor, he supposed. As a child, his mother would tell him constantly that one could not live in extremes, although General Organa was as much a short tempered as her son. 

The First Order was no longer an option for him, but Ben had never been the kind of men that would give in to an ordinary life, sitting still and let others write history. Greatness had always been his ambition and although he wasn’t particularly keen to the ideals of the Resistance he wasn’t eager to allow Rey to go alone into the battlefield. 

She would hate it, but Ben wasn’t ready to let her go to the front without any kind of protection. He couldn’t fight his former master in equality of conditions, but he could help her to learn as much as she could about Snoke, the First Order and the Dark Side. 

_“Why are you taking my hand?!”_ The echo of her voice confronting FN-2187 came back to his mind. That memory of her would often make him clench his teeth, but it was a perfect demonstration of what he could expect from Rey whenever he tried to be the gentleman. 

Princely courtesies would do him no good. Rey was as far from a lady in distress as he was from the dashing virtuous prince. She would refuse him whenever he tried to protect her or even help her. Such self-sufficiency and autonomy was something to be admired in a woman, but it made him feel all so useless. 

Rey took the ship back to the Resistance base in D’Qar. The hangar full of X-Wings and 70-T at display while droids took care of their maintenance and needed repairs. Pilots and officials discussing strategies or so he supposed. He would have given anything to know that location in another time, now it was just the prelude of an inevitable confrontation with the one person he feared the most. 

Rey raised her hand in his direction once she got to her feet. 

“Your lightsaber, please.” She said with conviction. 

“Is it really necessary?” Ben sighted. 

“This is an act of peace. If you want to be accepted, than you’ll have to follow the protocol.” She said while rolling her eyes. He took the saber from his belt and placed it into her hand. “Thank you very much.” 

“Am I your prisoner now?” He asked gently. In many ways it felt true and he wasn’t even fighting the feeling of being under her control. Rey said nothing. She only held his hand in hers along with his weapon. 

“Are you ready?” She asked instead. 

“This is a time as good as any. I’ll never be ready, but if I must face General Organa at some point, now will do.” He answered soberly. 

Rey nodded at him and they came out of the ship together. 

It wasn’t a shock to see all those soldiers circling them with blasters pointed at him, ready to shoot at the slightest movement. He could sense their fear and rage. Well…It was good to know that he was still capable of inspire such flattering feeling. 

FN-2187 came running her way with a terrified and desperate look upon his face. Ben couldn’t help the nasty feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something like furious annoyance and the need of punching that traitor on his face for simply exist. 

“Rey!” He called her. “Rey! Are you fine?!” He held her tightly as Ben was forced to look at such nasty display of sentimentality. Why did that hug last so long in the first place? “Did he hurt you? What happened? We couldn’t contact you! Master Skywalker and General Organa were worried something happened!” 

“I’m fine, Finn! Now let go of me. We have much to discuss, but now is not the time.” Rey said while finally parting that damn hug. 

Once Rey was far from the former trooper, Ben could finally pay attention to another figure walking her way across the small crowd of soldiers and pilots, lowed closely by that pilot, Dameron, and an old droid he knew all so well. 

There was no warm smile or anything in her face other than disappointment. Her hair was gray now and there were wrinkles around her eyes, but she remained just as regal as he remembered. 

General Leia Organa stood in front of Rey, who gently gave to her Ben’s lightsaber. His mother held it in her hands and it was plain enough how much it hurt her to touch the weapon that took Han Solo’s life, despite their love story hasn’t been a happy one. 

“Thank you, child.” She said to Rey before passing her by to look straightly at his face. 

“Hello, mother.” He said with dutiful sobriety, but Leia said nothing. 

A slap, hard and hot stroke him right on his face. Shame took him all of a sudden while all those men and women he had once called enemies looked at him, the mighty Kylo Ren, being slapped at his face like a child by his mother. He swallowed his pride and closed his eyes for a brief second. There was no point in arguing with his elder. 

“You stupid boy!” Her voice sounded worn out. Ben got ready for any kind of improprieties she might throw at his face, but he would never be prepared for the tight embrace of that woman. Not a General, not a princess, only his old mother…Holding her ungrateful son after so many years and exchanged mistakes. “Why did it take you so long to come home?” 

“Everyone, weapons down and back to your duties!” Dameron’s voice commanded. “Let us give them some privacy.” 

The soldiers and pilots reluctantly obeyed while Ben could only hug his mother back awkwardly. She was crying quietly as Ben stroke her grey hair. She felt so frail in his arms that he was afraid he might hurt her. Time…They didn’t have much of it now. 

“I’m sorry, mother.” He said lowly. “For everything.” 

“Oh my! Master Ben, you have grown so much!” C3PO’s voice inevitably made him muffle a laugh. “Welcome back!” 

“I suppose I should let you two talk now.” Rey said somewhere near him. “It would be good to find a more private place to have this conversation, though.” 

Ben was the one to part their embrace and look after Rey immediately. Although he was relived for his mother’s acceptance of his presence, the idea of being alone inside that base felt just too scary and overwhelming. 

His hand reached for Rey’s unconsciously, holding her gently. 

“Please stay.” He asked mindlessly, ignoring his mother’s presence and inquisitive eyes. 

x-x-x-x-x-x 

His mother conducted them to her private chambers inside the base. It was a simple dormitory with a small parlor connected, to make it easier for her to attend some meeting. They all sat quietly for a while. His mother sitting across the table as Rey remained silent by his side. 

“You won’t be allowed to bear weapons while here, do you understand?” She asked firmly and once more he felt like a child. 

“Yes, mother.” He agreed soberly. “Anything else?” 

“No mind tricks and you are not allowed to the meetings unless your participation is required. You will be confined to your room and the training grounds Luke sees feat.” Leia continued with her lecture making quite difficult for Rey to contain her laugh. That was…Quite embarrassing. 

“Master Luke will be my nanny than?” He teased, receiving an almost immediate murderous stare from his mother. What a superb Master Jedi she would have been. 

“Don’t provoke me, Ben.” She warned. “You know what you did. I can’t afford being negligent with you near. Many inside this base would give a great deal for a chance to kill you. I’ll do my best to keep you safe, but you must do your part.” 

“Fine.” He nodded. 

“Luke was worried about you, Rey. You should go find him.” Leia finally turned her attention to the girl, smiling at Rey with affection. It was the first time that Ben actually noticed the similarities between them. 

They weren’t exactly alike in their looks, but they had the same stubborn attitude and self-sufficiency. They never asked for anything, they commanded. There was great affection between them, he could tell. His mother seemed warmer near the girl. Just like Han Solo had done, Leia seemed to have found in Rey a worthy daughter which made the taste of his treason even bitter in his mouth. 

“I’ll go find Master Luke. You two better behave.” She said just before leaving the room. 

Once more Ben felt uneasy and agitated in the presence of his mother while Leia looked at him cautiously. 

“I’m not stupid, you know?” She said sarcastically. “Will you tell me what happened or should I guess?” 

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Ben answered evasively. 

“The girl suddenly disappears after having some serious problems with her meditations. Luke described her as restless and too agitated. Her dreams tormenting her to no end, very much like you as a child.” Leia pointed. “One day she takes a ship and vanishes without telling anyone, just to come back with you by her side; quiet, sober, unarmed, repented, and extraordinarily controlled by your standards. I should give her a medal for this! I know you have tortured her with your mind tricks and that it went very wrong. What else happened, Ben?” 

“You mean her being able to repel my power and use it against me? Yes, she does have some talent.” He answered it as a matter of fact. “There’s some sort of bond, I guess. Nothing that you should be concerned about, mother. I do not want to hurt her.” 

“That’s not all, is it?” His mother insisted. “I’m old, but I still remember how these things work, Ben. I’ve seen you holding her hand and asking her to stay by your side. Let’s be frank here. This is not mental bond.” 

“You’ve become terribly romantic, mother.” He tried to ignore her question. 

Leia looked at him with concern and very tired eyes. There was so much to be said and yet so much he couldn’t even imagine coming out of his mouth. He had made her sad. He took away from her the man she loved even thought their marriage had never been a functional one. How could he tell his mother that he was closer to understand such feeling after what he did? How could he tell her that he had come home not for her, but for another woman? 

General Organa rose from her sit and walked toward him to sit by his side. She took his hand into hers and smiled kindly at him. 

“She had been gone for days. We were all worried about her. Luke more than anyone.” Leia said with teary eyes. “It was like losing you again; like seeing your father flying away to another bad idea. Then she came back with you. Maybe I’m being too hopeful to believe that I might live to see my grandchildren sitting on my lap one day.” 

“I don’t know where this idea could possibly come from.” He answered while trying to not laugh. 

“It’s the first time you bring a girl home.” Leia shrank her shoulders. 

Ben took a deep breath and considered those words for a while. He would never fit that place fully no matter what his mother said. He belonged to nowhere now that Rey had seduced him out of the Dark Side. 

“I’m not a good person, mother. I’ll probably never be a good person.” He said calmly. “Rey…She makes me want to be a better person. Is that enough for you?” 

“Quite enough.” She answered with a shy smile. 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x 

Ben Solo felt uneasy with the idea of being conducted to his room by that particular pilot. Not that Poe Dameron was a powerful man out of an X-Wing, but given the past events and one particularly nasty torture session, special care was in order. 

They walker silently most part of the way until Dameron stopped suddenly and turned his way. Ben wasn’t waiting for the punch that hit him on his stomach so hard that it almost made him throw up. 

“This is my pay back.” Dameron said in a hushed low voice. “You might be General’s fallen son coming back home. She is your mother and she will forgive you. It’s fine for me. Rey seems to think that you have changed; that we have yet to see. Now you listen to me. If you harm any of them, if you even think about it; Jedi, Sith or whatever you are now, I’ll kill you.” 

“Got it!” He answered while trying to recover his breath. 

“One more thing. I don’t want you anywhere near Finn or BB-8. You don’t mess with my buddies.” 

“As long as he stays far from Rey, we have a deal.” Ben growled while Poe looked at him with a shocked expression. 

“If you dare hurt Rey…” Dameron said angrily. 

“I’ll be waiting for you to kill me.” After that, Dameron said nothing. The pilot simply straightened his back and looked at him with a very curious expression, as if what Ben had said made no sense at all. And it didn’t. Monsters and Gods are incapable of love something selflessly and Ben Solo had a past of reckless attitude and failed attempts of anger management that would make anyone believe that he would never be able to live a balanced life, let alone love anyone without demanding something in return. 

Dameron didn’t understand nor believed in that short and dubious confession, but Leia’s favorite never knew how much commitment was vital to Ben’s life. 

Dameron was very careful while conducting Ben to his new chambers. No conversation and no act of sympathy. Poe simply locked him inside the room and vanished after saying that there would be guards in the corridor just in case he tried to escape. As if those guards would ever be able to keep him locked, if Kylo Ren tried to get out. 

Ben took of his boots and tunic just to sit in lotus position at the floor. The day had been tiresome and the worst was probably yet to come. Skywalker would have little sympathy to offer him, especially if he found out what have happened on that golden field. 

What happened indeed…That moment was still a mystery to him. 

Yes, he had called for her in his mind several times; some of them consciously and others almost by accident. He had experienced getting inside her mind even when they were at opposite sides of the galaxy. Nothing really extraordinary there. No secrets to be reveled or vital information about anything. She was usually meditating, or like him trying to meditate. Rey’s mind was a very practical one in many ways. Work, food, work again, a thousand names related to ships and their gadgets, some knowledge of droids…And a childish fascination to stories about the Clone Wars, the Old Republic and the fall of the Empire. 

At least they had some interests in common, but she still wasn’t worthy of his unjustified attention. There was something, though. Something in her that would have made him turn his head to face her no matter what. As Rey advanced in her training, their minds seemed to find common ground. He could feel her while practicing with her saber and exercising. Those moments were silent ones. There was focus, discipline, control and vital balance in every move and thought. 

There was no reason for her to go after him. No matter how distressed and confused he was, Rey owned him nothing and until that night he had believed her to hate him. She wanted him dead at Starkiller. He had read it quite clearly inside her head and even tried to use it as a way to lure Rey to the Dark Side. 

She never tried to attack him, though. They haven’t even being their ordinary selves at that moment, as if all identity, all the rage, the frustration, the devotions and alliances had been put aside and they finally could look at each other’s true self. 

She was just a girl and yet a goddess. She was just a plain girl and yet he had never set eyes in anything more beautiful. She was just a girl and she made him fall to his knees willingly. Until that very moment Ben hasn’t realized how much he had been craving for her. He hasn’t noticed that only in her presence the constant conflict inside his mind was silenced. 

The Siths would say that there’s no peace, only passion. For the first time Kylo Ren hasn’t felt like that. Deep inside his head he had desired her in a carnal way. He would be a liar if he denied so, but at that night it didn’t felt like carnality and depravation. It was something else. 

Rey touched his face and there was no passion, only peace. There was no ignorance, there was knowledge. There was no chaos, there was harmony. There was no death, there was The Force. 

The Force…It acted in a mysterious way indeed. What could have been considered an act of pure luxury and desire had proven to be something else entirely. As their bodies were joined in sheer pleasure, Ben felt it flowing through them in unison. He felt powerful and frail all at once. He was confident and afraid in his feelings, but the impulse for control had been far behind him. There was no galaxy, no war, no allegiances, there was only Rey…Gloriously naked within his arms. 

“You have never been this focused in meditation before.” A rusty and familiar voice summoned his conscience back to reality. Ben opened his eyes to face the worn out figure of his former master standing right in front of him. “She must be a Master far better than me.” 

“I can’t disagree with that.” Ben replied soberly. 

Luke Skywalker sat on the floor in front of him, mirroring Ben’s meditation position. For a few seconds they remained in silence. 

“I am sorry.” Luke finally broke the silence. 

“What for?” 

“I failed to understand your anger and frustration. I forgot how it felt like to be young and impulsive while dealing with the amount of power that you have and how easy it is to let it control you.” Luke answered. “You looked for a father figure in me and I failed to be even an uncle to you.” 

“You have done nothing.” Ben finally said. “I had never been interested in abnegation and selflessness in the first place. I’m still not interested.” 

“Why you came back then?” 

“I’m not fighting for this cause. I’m not even convinced that I could ever believe fully in the Light Side, but as it seems…Something inside me has changed. I couldn’t take it anymore.” 

“You have always been a tormented soul even when you were just a boy.” Luke pointed out. “I remember it. All those nights you couldn’t sleep, the nightmares and your frustration in dealing with them. It was unusual even for a Force Sensitive as strong as you. At some point you convinced yourself that it could only mean that you should aspire for an even greater power in order to get peace.” 

The memory of it came back to his mind like a flash of light. He was young, no more than eleven years old…He was trying to read while his head was about to burst with ache. He hadn’t slept that night again…Master Luke told him to do some research…He could barely keep his eyes open…Those voices…All those voices in his head suddenly silenced all at once and the pain stopped almost by magic. The isle in his dreams. The ocean…A gentle voice calling for a name he never heard of but knew nonetheless…He had seen those dreams in someone else’s head. 

“The day your pain was silenced was the day she was born, Ben. I do not presume to understand what the two of you have, but I believe we could all benefit from a short visit to the ancient Jedi Temple.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...As it happens, this fic became a multi-chapter one. I hope you like it and reviews are lovely.


	3. Chapter 3

Coming back to the base had made her feel different somehow, as if Rey had regained her conscience again after days living someone else’s life on that golden field. Everything was there. Everyone was there and yet there was something missing; perhaps her sense of belonging.

It had been a restlessness what brought her to Kylo Ren on that night. Master Luke had said to her that it could be a side effect of Ren’s techniques of mental reading what have caused that feeling of anxiety. He had been worried that his former padawan might be using such connection to influence her, or even to find out anything relevant about the Resistance.

Rey never doubted those possibilities, and although the memory of that that interrogation never failed to fright her, it didn’t feel like an attempt of gathering information. It felt personal somehow, as if Kylo Ren had been trying to go through her memories to get some sort of answer.

During her training Rey couldn’t focus at all, especially while meditating. She would close her eyes and try to silence her thoughts and think about something soothing while feeling the Force all around her. Soon her mind would be invaded by the sound of his low and insistent voice calling her name. His face looking at her with meticulous curiosity and astonishment. His gloved hand reaching for her face, almost touching her with reverence while he tried to violate her in a way that no one else ever could, grabbing her most painful and sad memories in order to break her; leaving her open and vulnerable to his cruelties.

It had hurt more than any cut, than any kind of physical harm. Rey had felt hopeless and more lonely than she had ever been, as if for the first time she dared to admit that she had no past and most likely no future. “You are so…lonely.” It had sounded insulting to her until his eyes let something else come to the surface. “Don’t be afraid. I can feel it too.”

Rey had wondered how could a man who killed his own father be capable of showing empathy. It wasn’t empathy, she soon concluded. The monster had tried to manipulate her in order to let him in easier. That was the notion she would hold to even if she had peeped inside his mind and found a man profoundly tormented by demons beyond count.

During her meditations Rey could hear his voice whispering her name with urgency. So real and so close that she could feel his hot breath on her neck, and the ghost sensation of his touch on her face, still trying to rip off all of her layers to get to her very core. At first she was afraid of him, then she was annoyed by all that endless summon to the point of losing sleep and adopting an anxious behavior.

Rey have done her best in order to keep him out of her mind and keep focuses on Master Luke’s teaching all to no avail. Kylo Ren was driving her mad on breaking neck speed and she wouldn’t sit still waiting for it to happen.

Like Master Skywalker had told her, there was no try. Rey would either do it or not, being the “it” face her fear and her destiny.

She just had to close her eyes and let him guide her. The invisible chain keeping her attached to such a monster leaded Rey to a planet covered with high golden grass, shining under a gentle sun and dancing with the wind.

The girl from Jakku had been determinate to engage on a fight to either kill or be killed. She just wanted it to be finished as soon as possible and preferably with Ren dead, no matter how much empathy she could display toward his torments and endless conflicts.

He had been waiting for her, Rey could tell. Closed eyes and steady breath while he was sitting on lotus position, trying to meditate. Kylo Ren opened his eyes and raised his head lightly to look at her. His dark eyes full of torment and destructive energy, probably too much power to be contained in one body. She had read his mind and therefore she knew a little bit of his twisted ideas. Only destruction could bring peace to a galaxy so corrupted. A blank canvas where a new age would be painted in red tones and shades with only the Force as an inspiration.

The great tragedy of that man was to truly believe it to be the right thing and still feel tempted to follow his elders’ steps and answer the call of the Light Side. Rey just had to close her eyes and let their minds touch gently to almost feel her own heart break at the taste of his torments.

What happened next would never make any sense to her, but it happened anyway. It felt like a compulsion, as if she simply had to hold him in her arms, to touch and be touched as if fingers had the power to heal souls. There was no desire in her at that moment and yet Rey needed him to see the world through her eyes.

Ren undressed her with reverence and devotion, taking of not only her clothes but also all the bad memories, the need for belonging, the feeling of abandonment until there was only her bare soul. Rey looked inside him and it felt like looking at a mirror and see her male counterpart reflected, looking back at her with recognition and surprising tenderness.

Maybe it was the Force guiding them to that moment of human passion. Maybe it was just them feeling tired of that undeniable bond they had and giving in. The only thing Rey knew was that she had never felt more alive, balanced and connected with the Force and by the Force to every living thing. Their bodies joined to create their own universe as they tried to heal each other with kisses and caresses.

It only happened once during those days she had been away from the base. They had done nothing more than share meals, walk around the grounds near their ships and meditate. There was nothing to be said other than her attempts to convince Ben to come home with her and face his demons for good. Eventually he agreed that it was a better option to face General Organa than spend the rest of his life hiding from Snoke.

They had come back to the base together and Rey had been a bit naïve to believe that it wouldn’t cause such a commotion. All the pilots and soldiers pointing blasters to them until General Leia came to meet her own son. What would be of that conversation was something she would have to find out later. No matter Ben had almost begged her to stay by his side, Rey had her own challenge to face and Master Luke wouldn’t be gracious about her sudden disappearance.

“You had been irresponsible and reckless, young lady!” Luke had nearly roared to her with his finger pointing her way. “What, in the name of the Force, were you thinking?! Going after a man as dangerous as Kylo Ren, undertrained and unprepared! You may be strong in the Force, but you are not immortal!”

“I know it was reckless, but I couldn’t sit still and wait for a miracle to happen! I couldn’t focus on anything. I couldn’t close my eyes without hearing his voice inside my head! I was getting mad and I did the only thing I could.”

“You threw yourself at the mercy of a monster and hoped he wouldn’t eat you whole! You are nothing but a child pretending to be some sort of hero.”

“A child and yet I did what no one else could. I brought Ben Solo back!” She answered boldly. “He is a tormented man. Someone who needed help and yet nobody saw it. Compassion is the keystone of a Jedi’s life and I put it in practice.”

“Compassion, yes…You have many noble feelings in you, but you do not have the malice to anticipate danger or to realize when you are being manipulated! His attempt of reading your mind and how it backfired…Rey, we do not know the consequences of such events. He might me using you to his own benefit. We must be careful.”

“He is here, unarmed and repentant. He had put himself into our custody and never tried to resist it. Why can’t you give him a chance to prove himself?” Rey asked.

“I will give him a chance, but I can’t forget what he did.” Luke sighed. “I have already lost many padawans, a dear nephew and my best friend. I’m not willing to lose you too. It is for Leia to decide what to do with her son. As for you…You are forbidden to get out of this base until I tell you otherwise.”

“I’m not your daughter for you to ground me.” Rey answered out of sheer anger.

“No, you are not, but I’m the closest thing to a family that you have.” He answered with cold resolution. “It would be for the best to learn a bit more about this connection the two of you seem to have.”

“I’m forbidden to see Ben as well?” Rey asked stubbornly.

“I supposed there’s little use in trying to keep you two apart. You may see him, but I beg you to be careful, child.”

She nodded to her master and went off the room trying to find a quiet place where she could think. That was an old habit from her years in Jakku. Rey liked silence, she needed it every now and then in order to organize her thoughts and that was precisely what she needed at that moment.

Although Rey respected Luke greatly, she had a hard time believing that Ben would ever use their connection in order to manipulate her. It had been his intention when he first tried to read her mind, but since that day he had been too busy trying to keep his old notions to ever considering explore that bond in another way.

Besides…That night, after their surreal experience on the golden field, Ben had said that he loved her. Rey took that confession with a grain of salt, since both of them were a bit taken away by the effects of the orgasm, but still…If he was really trying to manipulate her he wouldn’t stoop so low. Would he?

It wasn’t possible. She had been there and she had lived that moment. Rey had never felt so alive before. There was no time, no space, no war, no Resistance, no First Order, no Jedis, Knights of Ren or Sith to spoil that moment. They were one, connected by mind and body in community with the Force.

It was almost a religious experience, something like an ancient ceremony. If that would ever happen again, Rey couldn’t tell. Ben had made no move during those days and to be honest, she wasn’t feeling quite the same since. With a bit of extra care, Rey come to admit that she enjoyed his company and to hear his voice telling things about the planets he had seen and asking her about how to fix things inside of ship.

Perhaps Master Luke had some reason to believe that the mind reading might have created that sense of balance she felt since that night. The limits of such connection wasn’t defined though. What were the consequences? It could use it in her favor to bring Ben to the Light Side definitely?

After walking around the base without purpose or destiny for what felt like hours, Rey decided that maybe she should rest. Those questions would be answered eventually, or so she hoped. She walked toward her room, determinate to take a shower and get some rest when she felt his presence at the end of the corridor. It wouldn’t do any harm to check on him just to make sure he was fine after such a stressful day.

Rey entered his room just to find him laid on his back, staring at the roof with monotony. He had taken of his tunic, remaining only with his trousers in a relaxed position. Although the day had been surely a difficult one, Ben seemed to be quite calm.

“I just wanted to check on you before I go to bed.” She said in an attempt of an excuse to justify her presence in his room. “Are you fine?”

He turned his head to look at her. Ben didn’t seem to be happy, but at least he seemed to be content somehow.

“I’m as fine as possible.” He said gently. “Skywalker just left.”

“What he wanted?” The idea of Master Luke talking to him was simply unsettling.

“He is intrigued, I guess.” Ben answered with a hint of humor. “He finds our sudden proximity unsettling and he wants to take us to the Ancient Temple. An educational trip.”

“He didn’t mention it to me. What’s the point of it?” She asked while approaching him carefully.

“That’s for him to tell you. I have no idea of his purpose, but I suspect that it has something to do with us and what happened on that planet.” Her eyes widened immediately at that.

“Does he know about it?” Her voice came out filled with shock. Ben laughed openly at her reaction.

“He could damn well give up his Jedi’s robes if he hadn’t figured it out. You might not have noticed it, but we haven’t been discreet that night. Two very powerful Force Sensitives in the middle of nowhere, doing suspicious things…” He teased her while giving Rey a suggestive look. “Don’t worry. It’s easier for Luke to blame me on this. You are his new protégée and he is just worried about your wellbeing.”

“I can take care of myself and I would rather keep that night a secret.” Rey answered grumpily while sitting by his side on the bed.

“Good luck with that.” He said with a smirk. “I came to the conclusion that we have done a pretty bad job at keeping it secret. I’m surprised that FN-8127 hasn’t found out yet.”

“His name is Finn.” Rey corrected him.

“The pilot though, he was far more perceptive and he doesn’t like the idea.” Ben chose to ignore her and not mention Finn again. “I’ll probably be threatened by the droid to at some point.”

“Great.” She sighted. “What about the conversation with your mother? How was it?”

“It was fine. Obviously she must be planning some really nasty and embarrassing way to punish me. She has the right to do so, but I fear for my pride.” He answered with his usual sobriety. “What really concerns me is that she is dreadfully interested on us. General Organa is under the impression that we have an affair.”

“An affair?! What did you say to her?” Rey asked immediately.

“I told her nothing, since I can’t speak for you in this matter. I wouldn’t say a word about such a thing without talking to you first. We have an arrangement between us, but if it could be classified as an affair, that I do not know.” Ben answered with calculated words. In another choice of words, he was bluntly telling Rey that he was waiting for her to decide how to name whatever they had. “That’s not what should worry you.”

“What should worry me?” Rey was starting to be afraid.

“She is thrilled with all the possibilities. You see, I was never interested in relationships of any kind and suddenly I come back home with a woman by my side. You can imagine the kind of ideas she must have had.” There was a very unusual tone of mockery in his voice, although the topic wasn’t exactly a funny one.

It had been probably the first time that Rey thought about the consequences of the night. She hasn’t been thinking about it, mostly because she had been too busy trying to understand what had happened to actually consider any kind of outcome. The simple suggestion made her shiver.

Her sudden panic attack must have been written all over her face since Ben had been careful enough for putting his hand on top of hers.

“Don’t worry about it.” He said to her gently. “It’s not likely. It happened only once.”

“As far as I’m concerned, once is all it takes.” Rey answered bluntly.

“True enough.” Ben agreed although his voice sounded a bit disappointed. “As I said, it’s not likely. Even if it happens…If by any chance you conceived a child, I’ll take my responsibilities.”

That conversation had made her even more distressed than the one with Master Luke. Suddenly all the possibilities sounded very scary to her. What if…What if she was already with child? Worst! A child whose father would be no one but Ben Solo, the worst choice of a parent that any child could have! How could she not panic at the memory of all his family records? The Great Skywalker legacy and tragedy was simply…

“I was trying to reassure you that you wouldn’t have to take care of any child on your own, if that was the case.” His voice dragged her out of her not so private panic attack. “After what happened I assumed that such an event wouldn’t be entirely unwelcome, but as it seems I was mistaken.”

“I wasn’t exactly thinking about consequences that night. I wasn’t feeling quite myself at the time. Until now I haven’t considered that this would be a possibility and yes…The idea of having a child, especially your child, is quite frightening given the whole family record.”

Ben remained silent and sober for a while. Although Rey agreed that what she have said might have sound offensive to him, even Ben had to admit that it would be a terrible thing to happen, especially when both of them were still struggling to understand the meaning of that night.

“You are right.” He answered eventually. “My family’s legacy isn’t something to crave for. Besides, we have much to learn about each other and this connection we have. A child at this point would be an immeasurable risk.”

“Then why do I get this feeling that you are not pleased with this conclusion?” Rey asked sourly. Ben sighted.

“Just because I agree with you about my family and the risks, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like the general idea of having a child. As I said before, it is an unlikely possibility.”

“You do surprise me.” Rey said while rolling her eyes. “I guess I should go to my room and let you sleep.”

Rey even tried to rise from his bed, but Ben’s hand on her arm detained her almost immediately. She looked at him with confusion. He didn’t seem to be angry with her, or anything like that. His touch was gentle and yet there was a hint of anxiety within his eyes.

“Or you could stay here.” He suggested with his low and melodious voice.

“We have just argued at the risks of having a child and you want me to stay here for the night?” She asked with an eyebrow arched.

“I don’t mean in this way. I just…I don’t want to be alone here.” Ben finally admitted. “I don’t know what we have. That’s for you to decide, but I don’t want to be alone here.”

It sounded very much unlike him and his usual self-sufficiency, but Rey supposed that facing all of his ghost, or at least a good number of them hasn’t been easy for him. If she learned anything about Ben was that he usually felt abandoned, very much like her.

“Fine.” She said before loosening her hair and taking of her shoes. “Just don’t throw me out of bed, will you?”

“I promise that I won’t.” Ben gave her a smirk while Rey tried to get comfortable by his side.

She lay by his side and soon his arm was around her waist in a gentle way. Rey closed her eyes and tried to focus on his smell. No matter how cruel he could be. Since the night on the golden field, Rey could swear that the only place where she could sleep peacefully was within his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally had to write this chapter twice. It's not entirely as I wanted it to be. The original chapter had another sex scene, but I lost it when my pc initiated. When I wrote it for the second time, the discussion between Rey and Ben got a little bit different and the scene would be totally pointless, so it was excluded. I hope you guys like the chapter and I would love to read a bit more about the readers opinions on this.  
> Reviews are made of love ;D  
> May the Force be with you.


	4. Chapter 4

Neither of them was used to a good night of sleep, but sharing a bed had proved to be an unexpected balm to their sleep problems. Nothing had happened, and yet the feeling of her skin gently pressed against his and her breath was somehow soothing. His fingers played with a lock of her hair for a while and Rey purred against his neck like a pleased pup.

After the golden field, Ben hasn’t even dared to kiss her, although that thought had crossed his mind more than once. Whenever he considered it, or desired it, Rey would look at him with a hint of distress as if she didn’t know how to deal with that fact. Truth be told, she seemed utterly unprepared to deal with anything related with the kind of intimacy that a relationship between a man and a woman implied.

He thought it to be charming in many ways, Ben concluded. He could hardly be considered and specialist on women, or any kind of relationship. The only married couple he had known consisted on his parents and that had been a terrible example to live by. General Organa was a force of nature, if not the Force itself. Unpredictable, unapologetic and irresistible in her will. His father on the other hand…

Han Solo had been better with ships and wookies than with humans. Being married to a woman committed to a great cause and with a name of her own had been too much for him and it eventually led him back to his life as a smuggler. Han Solo was selfish and a coward in many ways, especially when he was confronted with the fact that his only son required more of him than simply a surname.

Ben could remember how it used to be whenever Han Solo declared he needed to go on a journey. General Organa would often try to drawn in work to disguise how much she hated watching him go and how demanding it was to deal with her career and a son that many had called tormented. A huge part of Kylo Ren blamed Han Solo for all the hate and anger that led him to the dark side. He had felt abandoned and neglected, rejected even by both his parents. His father for his absence and his mother for her superhero complex.

In the end Luke had tried to do his best with an anger teenager he barely knew and the result had been disastrous. Skywalker was right to fear for Rey’s security since not even Ben could tell what he wanted with her or what to do with his own feelings. Wasn’t it precisely what he blamed his father for?

That had made him cautious. Maybe understanding the bond would help them to understand the nature of their connection. He could hardly place all the weight of his doubts on her and he was the mature one. He was supposed to know better than to drag her into the living hell that was his family without a consistent plan. One thing Ben Solo had to recognize, though. Rey made him calmer and infinitely more patient and focused.

 _To the hell with meditation. A night with her had done to me what meditation never could._ He couldn’t help thinking as his fingers brushed her back gently.

“Because I’m that good.” Rey answered him in a lazy and groggy tone as she slowly opened her eyes.

It should be something annoying to have someone peeping on your most private thoughts like that, but Ben couldn’t help grinning at her like an idiot. That was another talent she had. Rey never failed to make his heart lighter.

“How long have I slept?” She asked.

“About eight hours and a half.” Ben replied with a hint of satisfaction. “You are late for your training, Skywalker will want to kill us both, but he is a Jedi. He can’t indulge thoughts of violence.”

“Shit!” She cursed before jumping out of bed. “Jedi or not, I’ll be the one he will punish for this.”

“I suspect he will be too uncomfortable with the idea of what might have happened between us to punish you properly.” Ben suggested before rising from bed to pick up a change of clothes. “Anyway, I shall join you in your practice today.”

“I don’t see how it would be a good thing.” Rey ignored as her undressed his trousers to put on something more comfortable for training.

“Skywalker is a great Jedi and even if you consider his old age he is in no way an opponent to be taken lightly. I have a great respect for his abilities, but you could use some insight on the First Order’s organization and a dirtier fighting tactic.”

“I’ve fought you before and you lost, remember?” At this point she sounded cocky. Well…That had been indeed an impressive result for an untrained Force sensitive, but that result failed to express the reality.

“I was gravely injured and I was trying to be a gentleman. I never really tried to harm you.” He pointed as a matter of fact. “I could have killed you about a dozen times and I didn’t.”

“So now you are discrediting my victory and telling me how superior you are as a fighter. Very convenient.” She replied sharply. “What a gentleman.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you, or diminish your victory, but it’s pointless to sugarcoat it and presume that you are ready to face someone with my level of skills, though. I just want to help you.”

_Or approach me enough to pierce my heart with your saber…_

The though came across his mind all too clearly for him to ignore and pretend it hadn’t hurt. His closed fist slammed the cabinet where he kept his few belonging with notorious fury.

There it was. The unspoken doubt that made her walk so carefully around him. Rey had good reason to distrust him and his motives to be there, even if the mental bond they shared was quite useful to tell her what he felt and thought all the time.

Rey was constantly aware of his feelings for her. His obsession over the power she had over him in every single way and even the moments in which Ben’s more elevated feelings turned into something carnal. That wasn’t unusual to happen and he wanted to experience sex once more just to make sure that the night at the golden field had been real. Sometimes it felt like a teenager’s dream  or just his delusional mind trying to show him all the possibilities.

She still didn’t trust him, though. Not even when she conveniently kept his expectations high and well nurtured. She genuinely thought he wanted to kill her in a treacherous way, even after the moment she brought Kylo Ren down to his knees and begging her for relief to his torment.

“I didn’t mean it that way.” She tried to apologize but it was too late.

“You meant it exactly this way.” He replied with clenched teeth. “You are using this…This things we have connecting our minds to bend me to your will and manipulate me while I wait for you to decide what will be of me.”

“How does it feel like to be the captive one? I’m doing nothing you haven’t done yourself.” Rey replied sharply. “Blame me for the cruelty, but I said nothing wrong. You killed your father, you killed a number of innocent people and went right to the Dark Side for it.”

“And you thing you are pure like fresh snow for the lack of blood in your hands?” He turned to face her and this time there was nothing in him but sheer rage, frustration and a thirst for violence. “You wanted to kill me that day and believe me when I say that there’s little difference between the wish and the deed.”

“Whatever you say. I’m not staying here to listen how much of a superior creature you are or how much of a dark side material I am. I have to go to Master Luke and you can figure your way around the base on your own.” She turned her back at him without a shred of respect or consideration to his feelings.

“Don’t play the offended one! I’m the one you accused!” Ben roared at her and got back nothing but a finger pointed to his face.

“You don’t dare making me the villain in this. If you were in my shoes you would be full of doubts too and I would probably be locked up in some dungeon because the risk would be too high.” Rey replied in a way that made him step back.

“Well…It happens that I am full of doubts!” He felt ashamed for his outburst and lowered his voice once more while barely looking to her face. “I turned my back to everything I believed to be true just because I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I don’t understand you. You were nothing but a scavenger girl from an insignificant planet while I was Kylo Ren. I was feared! I was respected while you could barely survive on your own. I had the upper hand and yet…” He sighed as the weight of the worlds became too heavy for him to deal with. “Yet you brought me to my knees and had me surrender to you in infinite ways. I don’t know what happened. I can’t understand it, but I know that without you I have no peace and no purpose. I am older, seasoned and I have known the ways of the Force since I was old enough to hold a training saber, but your very existence reduces me to half. The only thing I know is that I will never be complete without you.”

“And that should be enough for me to trust you blindly?” Rey asked still skeptical. “I suggest you to look at me and see an equal and respect everything that I am instead of highlighting everything that you consider to be inferior in me. Besides…The fact that we share some sort of mental bond means nothing to me if you don’t prove that you are trustworthy. I don’t own you anything, Ben. You, on the other hand, owns a great deal to a lot of people here, starting with your mother and Master Luke.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” He asked a bit exasperated as she turned her back at him once more, living the room without even looking back at him.

That was the first time he had been ignored and treated so poorly. His first impulse was to raise his hands to throw and crash things around using the Force, but then he could hear the sound of her disapproval and disappointment toward him from a distance. That made him take a deep breath and try to control his well known bad temper.

Ben Solo was still furious and utterly frustrated with the result of that conversation and Rey’s infinite expectations. What – in the name of the Force – she still wanted from him? A slave?! A pet?! Maybe a droid would be more convenient so she would be able to reprogram him whenever she wanted to! No sexual tension, no expectations, and no human feelings for her to deal with!

He could almost hear the ghost of his father laughing at him. Until that moment he had never been exactly curious about how it had been for his parents and the start. You know...The sweet and awkward stage of courtship and how to properly woo a woman. His father seemed to be a womanizer in his youth. Keeping a woman was another matter altogether.

Someone knocked the door of his room. He had no right to privacy since he was to all purposes a prisoner. The person didn’t wait for his permission to enter and of course Ben didn’t have to be genius in order to figure out who it was.

General Organa stood at the door while staring at him with a facial expression divided between concern and enjoyment. Oh she was having a damn good time at his expenses. That’s for sure!

“Seems like morning after isn’t your specialty after all. You had to inherit something of Han at some point, I guess.” She said with a hint of bitterness in her humor. “What was the discussion all about?”

“A great deal of things we have been avoiding to talk about apparently. Here I thought conversation to be rather pointless since we are in each other’s mind all the time.” He groaned in frustration as he sat back on the mattress.

“In my experience, conversation is never pointless. In fact…”His mother sat by his side and kindly held his hand. “I wish your father and I have had the sensibility to talk about what was going wrong between us before it was too late.”

Ben could feel the Force in her embracing him. It was always a funny experience to be near Leia Organa and experience her strength in such a unique way. She wasn’t good showing her feelings and she favored pragmatism and reason instead of sentimentality. It never failed to make those intimate moments a bit awkward. The Force in her was just the same. Mighty and robust like the taste of a bitter medicine, and yet…No mother would ever give her son a bitter potion if not out of need and love.

“I thought she would appreciate my help in her training.” Ben finally said. “She seems to firmly believe that she is ready to face Snoke or any of the Knights of Ren since she defeated me. Well…That’s simply not true. She lacks in abilities and technique. I was offering her my experience. I want to help her since I’m a useless piece of shit inside this place. Rey…She…She doesn’t trust me.” At that his mother raised an eyebrow in a rather sarcastic and cruel way that made him exasperated. “I know she has good reasons to! Everybody inside this damn place has! I got it! I’m the bad guy! I deserve to be punished for what I did, but…I don’t understand why distrust coming from her hurts me so much.”

“Luke is far more educated in the ancient cult than I am, you know. I lacked the time and the will to pursue the knowledge of the Jedis of old. One thing I know was that a Skywalker was said to be the chosen one. The One that would bring balance to the Force.” Leia said in a practical tone. “People at the time thought that balance meant to eradicate the Sith for good and that lead the galaxy to a bitter war and later to the Empire.”

“Not the talk of politics again!” Ben rolled his eyes. “Why can’t you understand that it was necessary? Why can’t you respect the fact that grandfather was the most powerful man in the galaxy’s history? That’s reason enough to respect him.”

“You are an ignorant child that found consolation in the idea of a hero that only existed in your dreams. One thing I can give you, though…Your grandfather was a tormented man just like you and he made all the wrong choices, just like you.” Leia spoke harshly. “I’m not talking about politics with you, because it makes me realize how much I’ve failed you as your mother, but I need to tell you something you should have learned a long time ago. Darth Vader changed sides minutes before his death just to save your uncle from the emperor. He died as Anakin Skywalker, as a Jedi and now he is with the masters of old. If you doubt me, you can go to Luke and ask him personally.”

At that Ben couldn’t help being shocked. He had believed his whole life that his grandfather had only achieved true power and greatness in the Dark Side. That had made him believe that the only way out of his torment was giving in to the Dark Side and the reason why he hadn’t been at peace yet was because he wasn’t strong enough.

“What’s the point of all this?” He asked while trying to keep his violent and conflicting emotions under control. He wasn’t going to break down as his mother watched. He would rather keep the last shred of dignity he still had in him.

“I’ve never bought the idea the Sith or the Dark Side should be eliminated, you know.” Leia sounded exhausted and yet hopeful. “From what I’ve learned, living as a Jedi in the times of Anakin and Obi Wan was incredibly difficult, not to say delusional and hypocrite. I firmly believe we all have good and evil in us and both sides are necessary. The balance can only be achieved when we get this forces working in harmony within ourselves. The Jedis talk about unconditional love, but relegate passion and lust to the Dark Side. Nothing in life and be done properly without passion in our actions. Fear too is a human feeling and it is something normal. I don’t think these feelings should be demonized. I rather believe that we must learn to deal with our own feelings instead of dealing with the Force only in terms of black and white.”

“What you suggest is heresy.” Ben pointed as matter of fact. He was feeling drained from all the commotion and strangely moved by all that conversation. What his mother was suggesting was just too tempting. He wished it could be that simple. He wished he could be both things.

“Well, I thought you knew I was a rebel at heart.” She mocked him. “I lost my home at the age of nineteen. Rey’s age. I saw my home and family being destroyed by a man I later learned to be my real father. Only when I was older I learned that Anakin turned to the Dark Side after the death of his secret wife. Their love was forbidden and he was already struggling with the fact that he couldn’t save his own mother years earlier…When I heard that I couldn’t help thinking that my real father was nothing but a weak man that lived in fear just to be crashed under the weight of his own incapacity to deal with loss and failure. How easy it would have been for me to give in to the Dark Side, don’t you think? Even at this age…After losing the man I loved…My companion, even in the bad times…I allowed myself to mourn and grieve for everyone of them. I feared the days I would have to wake up in the morning and moving on with my life, but I never allowed myself to indulge ideas of vengeance and rage. My life always had purpose and if I gave up being Leia Organa than I wouldn’t be the person that all those people knew and loved. I owned them that much. I promised that I would never change my ways in honor to their memories.”

“Sometimes…I wish you have been my master instead of Luke.” He finally confessed. “I’ve felt like a disappointment to you when you sent me away. I can only imagine how much of a disappointment I am now.”

“You are just another Skywalker man, with all the tragedy and glory that it implies. I’ve failed you in many ways, but maybe it’s time for me to make emends.” She sighed. “Luke wants to take both of you in a journey to some ancient Jedi temple. I’m not exactly comfortable with the idea, but I’m willing to let you go with him and Rey. You should know something that no Jedi will ever tell you. This frustration and confusion you fell about Rey…This is absolutely normal.”

“It doesn’t fell so.” Ben answered grumpy. “She basically hates everything that I am and represent.”

“No, she doesn’t. She is just as confused as you are. This is also normal.” Leia smirked at him. “You are in love with her and she is in love with you. It’s quite obvious to see that. The problem is that neither of you have been thought how to let someone else in. Both of you are used to isolation and even the concept of love and how to demonstrate it is different for both of you. Rey offered you acceptance, friendship and consolation and called it love. You offered her knowledge, protection and lust while calling it love. Both of you are right, but also incomplete.”

“All the talk about the Force and your life experience to make it into a huge Bees and Birds allegory. I guess I’m old enough for this, mother.” He replied sarcastically. “Besides, it only happened once and Rey seems terrified of the consequences is can bring.”

“You had a baby talk with her?” Leia asked bluntly.

“We are royalty, mother. The concept of an heir has always been very clear in my mind, along with the family legacy.” Ben tried to sound pragmatic and reasonable this time. “We used no protection, so this is a possibility. I was just trying to assure her that I’ll take my responsibilities in the event of a pregnancy.”

“You are a Skywalker-Solo talking of parenthood and family legacy. No surprise she is terrified of what that means!” Leia slapped him in the back of his head. “I really failed as a mother. Get dressed and move your ass back to the training grounds. You’ll help Luke, keep your head down and when he dismisses the class you’ll tell her that you are sorry about what you said. You’ll recognize her talent and politely point something she can improve. Then you’ll tell her how you feel when she doesn’t trust you and then you’ll do something nice to her.”

“I can’t believe I’m having this conversation, but fine. What do you suggest?” Ben looked back at his mother with sheer annoyance.

“I’ve always considered massage very relaxing after a long day. I guess I don’t have to get into details.” She said before rising from the bed. “Move boy! That girl won’t wait you forever!”

With that his mother left the room.

He had to admit that Leia Organa deserved the title of General after all. The woman was a genius when it came to strategy and getting what she wanted.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it took me forever to continue and this chapter was a bit of surprise to me. This fic is becoming a bit too philosophical in my mind, with Kylo Ren being dragged to a journey of self-discovering and learning about the Force from a feminine perspective.  
> The Skywalker guys have made a huge mess of it, with all the talk about control through power and constant temptations from the Dark Side. I like Maz Kanata's voice, along with Leia's finally taking the mic to explain the Force from another perspective. Since this fanfic was originally inspired by the Hindi Myth of Shiva and Parvati and how one balances the other, I think it was about time for a woman to talk with full propriety about the matters of the Force. Rey is learning and she has a strong voice, but Leia is older and far more experienced than both Rey and Ben, while she is also a figure that is widely respected.  
> There's a lot of my mother in the construction of the dialogue between Leia and her son, but also a lot of what I would like to see on screen. I don't know what the next movie will revel to us about Leia and Ben's relationship, but I hope we get to see at least one interaction between them.  
> Finally...This was heavily influenced by the tragic news of Carrie Fisher's death. I guess everyone in this fandom was moved by it in someway. She is one with the Force now, along with her mother. So...I'm making this a tribute to her. May the Force be with you, General.  
> I hope you like it and reviews are highly appreciated.


	5. Chapter 5

Meditation was proving to be impossible given her previous discussion with Ben. Master Luke must have noticed that something wasn’t right and that concentration wouldn’t be served that day. He chose to conduce her through physical training instead.

She had run for half an hour, lifted heavy pieces of junk using both the Force and her arms, before Luke considered giving her the saber to fight with. Rey could feel her master’s eyes on her back, looking closely to her every movement as if he could see something different on her. That thought made her uneasy and distracted enough to get a minor injury in her practice.

Rey wondered if what Ben had said was true…Was it that mighty the union of two Force Sensitives that it could be felt by others from the other side of the galaxy? Ben had sounded convict and even mocked her for her naivety in the matter. Well…What was she supposed to know about these things?

The saber felt unfit in her hands at that thought. She felt strangely awkward and embarrassed around Luke. Just the possibility that her master could know of the incident on the golden field sent her memory back to that night.

Rey couldn’t push away the memories of Kylo Ren touching her or how it felt to have his lips on hers. All those memories were so insistent and impossibly vivid that it didn’t take her long to understand that there was something off about them. She was not alone in her thoughts.

 _Don’t be so shy. Your memories of that moment are quite flattering._ His voice echoed in the back of her mind and Rey instantly adopted a position of attack, turning her body toward him. She took away the helmet that blocked her vision just to look at him properly as he bowed in reverence to Luke.

“I would like to help her in her practice.” Ben informed his former master in an almost humble way. “She could use a real fighter instead of all those gadgets. Snoke won’t let her go without retaliation and Rey must be prepared for a real fight.”

 _I told you I don’t need your help! What the hell are you doing here?!_ Her mind screamed back at him, but Ben ignored her indignation.

 _Helping you out of a tedious practice. Relax, Rey. I’ll make this funny for both of us. Besides…I’ve always wanted to teach you, remember?_ His thoughts had a humorous tone that was foreign to her. He wasn’t given to good humors and when he was in a good mood his sense of humor was always sarcastic. Now he sounded simply youthful.

“I’m not giving back your saber, Ben. I also don’t think she is ready to fight you, even if for practice’s sake.” Luke replied calmly. “She is strong and she learns fast, but she lacks the discipline.”

“We have all seen this happening before, haven’t we?” Ben replied back. “You might not have the time. Besides, I have a theory about our connection. I think Rey can benefit from it. A training saber will do. As I said before, I’m not interested in hurting her or anyone else here. Rey can keep her own saber for security.”

“Aren’t you afraid that she might hurt you?” Luke asked him before handling the training saber. Ben snorted in disdain.

“She might not trust me, but…” He looked directly at her before bowing his head to her in respect to his adversary. “I trust her. I trust the light in her.”

 _You bastard!_ Her mind screamed back at him as Rey observed Ben feeling the balance of the training saber in his hands.

“You will use a training saber, Rey.” Master Luke declared before she could start.

“Why?! He said I could use my regular one.” She replied back out of frustration.

“It wouldn’t be fair and I don’t want accidents.” Master Luke insisted. “You have always been good with the training one. Make him sweat a bit.”

“Give me my staff then.” Rey asked in return and at that Ben couldn’t help smirking at her.

Luke handled her warned out staff and observed as she worked it around as if to remember how to use the weapon. Ben’s eyes followed her as she circled him spinning the staff. He seemed dazzled and curious about the way she moved. He expected her to attack first, she could tell. Well…She wouldn’t give him the pleasure.

 _You are learning to be patient. That’s good._ His mind sounded clearly and satisfied in her head. _Well…I suppose I’ll have to ask for the pleasure of this dance._

He went after her as soon as the thought was formed in his mind. Rey managed to block his first high movement with the staff. The dance started and it could only be described as such. She could anticipate his movements and block each one without much consequence in a way that it felt like choreography. When it was her turn to attack, Ben acted just the same.

That was what he meant about the mental bond being able to help. Well it could. It was a private access to his combat knowledge that allowed her to mimic, anticipate and understand the movements of his fighting technique like some sort of muscular memory.

It reminded her immediately of the night in the golden field and how their bodies moved in sync. It was a flow of energy, fluid like water and beautiful like leaves dancing in the wind. Their body moved around each other without touching. The weapons anticipated and blocked every movement and in many ways it felt like a courtship.

Ben smirked at her. A gleam of fondness and malice playing in the corner of his eyes sent a shiver through her body and made her tumble. Rey recovered immediately, blocking his saber with her staff right above her head. His grin at her grew even larger and confident after that. It simply couldn’t be a good sign.

 _I like the parallel you drew between this practice and that night._ His mind sounded in approval and full of second intentions. _Do you miss my hands touching your warm body, I wonder?_

The image came to her mind immediately. His mouth tracing the line of her neck as his slender and elegant fingers fondle her breasts and kept Rey’s back tightly pressed against his body. Rey felt her whole body warm all of a sudden and her movement became erratic. She could still see flashes of his movements, but at every blow Ben would project different images of both of them naked and exchanging caresses that would make it impossible for her to keep fighting properly.

At every blow his body got closer. He hit her hand hard enough to distract Rey and disarm her. If that had been a real fight he would have amputated her hand.

“What the hell are you doing?!” She finally shouted at him.

“Playing dirty.” Ben answered as a matter of fact while she gave her hand a feel squeezes trying to ease the pain. “This is something Skywalker won’t teach you, but believe when I say that Snoke won’t think twice before stooping low with both of us. You must be prepared.”

“I don’t know what is going on here, but I guess enough is enough!” Skywalker finally spoke before the discussion could go any further. “I think you had enough for a day, Rey. I see what you meant about you being able to help. She fought like you, Ben. That means she kept all of your weaknesses. You too should cover the basics.”

“Well, I agree.” Ben answered politely. “That is…If Rey allows me to be her partner during classes, I have no problems with it.”

“Why are you asking? I’m not your owner, nor are you mine. You can do as you please.” Rey replied him bitterly before grabbing her staff from the floor.

“I can only be partners with someone that trusts me. Jedis used to work in pairs, a master and a padawan. In this case we are both learning, there’s no master between the two of us. We can only step up if we trust each other, otherwise it will be a futile effort.”

“Fine for me, as long as you are not humiliated by the fact that you are fighting by an inferior scavenger’s side.” She replied sharply.

“It will be an honor to fight by your side, Rey.” He bowed his head lightly to her, before Master Luke clapped his hands putting an end to that conversation.

“Fine! I guess there’s a lot going on here and nobody is bothering to explain me. I don’t know what is it, but I hope you two to overcome your differences if you are seriously considering being a team. I don’t know how you’ll make it. It’s not my problem as long as you two come back here willing to protect each other no matter what!”

“You are not even questioning his reasons? Do you trust him after everything he did?” Rey asked Skywalker exasperated.

“Well I have no reason to trust Ben. I trust you and your abilities, Rey. You were the one to bring back one of the most dangerous men in the galaxy and I haven’t seen him even questioning your authority so far. I have to say that this must be a first.” Master Luke said bluntly. “It might be the bond you share with him, or simply a side effect of a very odd infatuation, but the truth is that the two of your work way better together.” Luke turned his back at them before slowly walking away.

Age was weighting on his shoulders after all. Ben was right about that. Master Luke was no longer as young and strong as he used to be and she needed to learn from someone younger. That wasn’t something she was craving for, though. Being around Ben Solo would often make her uneasy and anxious, especially when his mind drifted back to the night in the golden field.

“You did well.” Ben said awkwardly while looking at her back. “I’m sorry about our early argument. It wasn’t my intention to discredit your talents. Even hurt as I was…It wouldn’t have been easy to take me down. You improved much since the last time we fought.”

“You came here to make a show of your abilities and prove me wrong in front of Master Luke. Then you complained about my lack of trust in you.” Rey insisted while finally turning her body to face him.

“Luke said we both needed improvement. I don’t know if you realized, but I am his slow dummy student here.” Ben added with a hint of humor. Was he really learning to laugh of himself? That was unexpected. “Besides, he never liked my fighting style. He used to say that I swing my saber like a barbarian instead of a Jedi.”

“Well, you do. Yours is the ugliest fighting technique I’ve ever seen.” Rey declared stubbornly and at that Ben smiled at her indulgently.

“Using the staff makes you very comfortable while fighting. When it’s time for you to make your own saber, perhaps you should considering a double blade combination to adjust it to your own technique.” He pointed carefully.

“Is that even possible?” Rey was surprised and also thrilled with the possibility of having a lightsaber specially made to suit her.

“It’s not unheard of. There are some examples in both Jedi and Sith history, although…It will depend on the crystals. I never manage to find myself a good one for a proper saber, so I had to make adjustments to my weapon.” He pointed as a matter of fact. Master Luke had told her something of the sort before. His saber was an amateur’s work, or he couldn’t find a decent crystal for the core. It didn’t seem to bother him, though. In fact, all the roughness in his saber suited Ben and his dirty style of fighting. “Are you hungry?”

“I’m always hungry.” She let it escape, making him muffle a laugh. Rey felt immediately embarrassed by the unexpected change of humor in the situation. That was true. A life in Jakku and its uncertainties would make anyone hungry all the time.

“Would you like to share a meal with me?” He asked in a politely and even chivalrous way. It was rather gallant to his standards and somehow it made her feel embarrassed once more.

“I guess so.” She answered shortly.

“Wait for me here. I’ll be right back.” He said before turning his back at her and walking away in a youthful hurry that was very much unlike the mighty image that everyone had of Kylo Ren.

Rey couldn’t help realizing that at that point he must have figured things out. Was it that obvious that she had no idea of how to deal with the kind of intimacy they had shared? Rey had considered it a low move from his part to play with those memories, but she also had to admit that her lack of experience made it even more awkward. Perhaps…Perhaps if she had more experience in the matter, she wouldn’t have felt so ashamed of it.

She had yet to get used to the idea of having friends that actually took care of her. Rey no longer felt alone and sometimes it was overwhelming. She liked it though. Being part of a family and being loved. That was one thing, but Ben Solo remained unclassified in the collection of new experiences.

He seemed to be dependent on her somehow, desperate to please her even. That was annoying and still…It made her feel warm inside and her stomach got a bit funny whenever he smirked at her.

Rey closed her eyes and tried to remember that night in details. How she had found him without even checking locations or maps. She had gone directly to him as if a magnetic field was pulling her toward Kylo Ren.

At first she was determinate to fight him; to either kill or be killed. That was until she saw how broken he was; torn apart by the light and the darkness dueling inside him. Rey realized at that moment that she was looking into a mirror. All the fear and loneliness in her was reflected in his eyes. They were both being crashed under the huge expectations thrown upon their shoulders and in that moment…Her soul seemed to recognize his. They understood each other and completed each other to the point of redefining the word home.

Rey couldn’t say she was completely conscientious once he undressed her. Her body played along and engaged in the ancient dance of passion even though that moment had more to do with faith than lust.

“I couldn’t describe it any better.” His voice gently pointed while dragging her conscience back to reality. Rey looked at him and noticed he seemed shy around her and unsure about what to do next. His usual violent confidence seemed to vanish.

He offered her his arm in a ways she could only describe as regal. That was true…General Organa had been a princess, therefore…He was royalty too. That would explain his sudden courtesies.

Rey took his arm and followed him without questions. There were just so many things she didn’t dare to speak of around him that it felt asphyxiating.

He took her to the hangar where the Millenium Falcon was placed. There was a ladder placed on its side for repairs. Ben pointed it with his head, indicating that she should climb it. So she did. Ben helped her to reach the roof of the Millenium Falcon where Rey found a meal waiting for them.

“What’s this?” She asked out of shock.

“Well…I wanted to make emends and I’m not fond of the idea of eating near everyone.” He said while observing her taking her place at their improvised picnic. “I used to do this when I was younger. Eating up here, I mean.”

“Really?! Why?” She asked as he sat by her side.

“It was a bit of ritual. Whenever this junk needed repairs my father would expend a lot of time taking care of it. Mother and I would come to eat with him, or otherwise we would barely see his face.” His voice sounded bitter.

“Was it that bad? To have meals here, I mean.” She asked before taking a loaf of bread and giving it a bite.

“Not really. Those were the moments I liked.” He said trying not to sound too melancholic. “I used to dream of becoming a smuggler too, until I learned what that meant.”

“I wouldn’t mind being a smuggler. As long as I had a family, I wouldn’t mind it at all.” Rey said in a dreamy tone as she admired to horizon. The sun was going down, making the sight quite breath taking. “Besides, he was a legend.”

“Maybe you had more in common with him.” Ben said before taking a sip from his glass. “Being his son has always been a bit of a lonesome experience for me. I chose to look up to someone else as an inspiration.”

“Darth Vader.” Rey completed without any difficulties. “Why him?”

“I thought he had learned how to deal with this…This torment. I guess I was wrong.” Ben pointed. “It never stopped, no matter how much power I had…It never stopped, until…”

“Until  what?” Rey asked. For a moment he seemed to consider his words.

“Never mind. It just stopped for a while. Soon Snoke came around and explored all my doubts and fears. Now…Now I’m starting to get used to this quietness in my head. I saw the fallen AT-AT in your mind. The place you call home. I wanted to show you mine.”

At that she felt suddenly embarrassed and touched. That was it? He wanted her to know a bit of his private moments without using the mental bond?

Rey looked at the horizon and tried to picture Ben Solo as a child, running around the Millenium Falcon and pretending to be a smuggler. She couldn’t help smiling at the thought.

“I’m sorry about what I said earlier. You are probably the most talented Force Sensitive I’ve ever seen and it wasn’t my intention to make you feel any less than the goddess that you are.”

As soon as the innocent image of a child suddenly changed inside her head given the tone of his voice as he professed her to be a goddess. The thirst in it was almost obscene if it wasn’t so utterly devoted.

Ben wanted to touch her. The thought was all too clear in his mind. He fantasized about kissing her and making love to her under a starry sky once more.

“Why you keep thinking about these things?!” Rey finally spoke of it out loud, obviously distressed by the myriad of intimate images she was seeing inside his mind. “It’s infuriating!”

“Well…I’m not the only one thinking about it.” He smirked at her with malice, although his eyes were surprisingly warm and gentle. “The different is that you get anxious whenever the thought cross your mind. It makes me wonder if…” He made a pause, but Rey couldn’t tell if he didn’t know how to make it sound proper, or if he was genuinely insecure about her answer. “If you find me so repulsive that you simply can’t stand the idea that I have feelings for you.”

“It’s…It’s not that.” She answered with certainty, and yet Rey felt utterly naked in front of him. “It’s just…I don’t know why I went after you, or why we ended up having sex that night! It feels like my body wasn’t mine, or that something else was controlling me even though I’m the one who made the decision of confronting you at once. It felt so…”

“Good?” He suggested, making her laugh nervously.

“Yes. That too, but it felt like something big. Something with a meaning I can’t understand. Something I can’t control.” Her voice was a bit exasperated, but also passionate.

“Like the death of stars, like meteors hitting the surface of a planet…The very creation of the universe.” She could see the words crossing his mind as he spoke. It had felt just like that for both of them, but unlike her Ben wasn’t afraid of those forces. They felt like old friends to him and yet mesmerizing. “The mightiest forces of the universe.”

His hand covered hers in a gentle touch. This time Rey didn’t feel the urge of imposing a distance between them. They looked at each other without judgment, or expectations. There was just understanding and the shared feelings surrounding them.

“The Force itself.” Rey completed. “What does it mean, Ben?”

“It could be that we were meant to fulfill a higher purpose. That we are the embodiment of the Force or just the two mightiest creatures in the world recognizing their soul mates.” He whispered to her as he moved a string of her hair. “It also could mean nothing at all.”

His voice and his hands had kept her distracted, as his face came closer. Rey’s lips meat him halfway in a kiss that tasted of homecoming.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
